So I think a lot. Now I don’t mean how I’m sure everyone thinks a lot, Most human thought is subconscious for survival and personal evolution with anything other than that spur of the moment forced conscious thought and personal realizations. I mean, I never stop thinking. Ever. I’m not kidding. I can hold an entire conversation with you, play a game, eat a sandwich, and balance a checkbook all at the same time and I will still be thinking about something, usually unrelated to anything I’m doing or even talking about. It just happens on it’s own, which from my past experiences I’ve found to be more of a good thing than bad since I tried shutting it off once and I started hurting people bad. If I recall right, I even put my hand in a ring around my brother’s throat. So on that note, keeping the constant thinker on is good, but it also causes me to wonder and worry about my position in life and my lack of direction leading to a current stagnancy.
I have so many goals I want to accomplishes and possibilities of paths I could walk down, but I haven’t a clue towards which way I even could, or should, go. At one point, for just a brief moment in my life, I thought I knew the flow in this entropic estuary I would take that would lead me to the ocean I so much desire, but after that endeavor collapsed under it’s own weight like many of my obese neighbors I won’t see walking around outside, I began recollecting my bearings and seeing just how dark of a labyrinth I am really in.
I can’t go back to college at this point. If I had the money I probably would knowing me, but the research I do the less sense that decision makes. Why go back, really? Sure the degree looks nice on a resume and it’s a good way to network within the field of your interest, but none of the career paths I wish to travel down actually require a degree. I deal mostly in creative studies of one form or the other, all of which you can acquire the same foot hold with alternative forms of study and networking that don’t involve giving your soul to some loan agency who will hound you even after you die. I guess you should get a degree if you want to teach, but I’ve seen colleges give away Ph.D.s to people who’ve gained almost any form of stature in their field. If you really want to go to college, do some type of business or production management degree that will help you sell yourself in a more efficient way. You’d probably be better off.
I just always figured by this age I would have started my own business, maybe travel the world and met some interesting people. Maybe I would have had a book or two published. Possibly a production company that specializes in video entertainment. I could have been an entertainer myself doing voices and having a grand old time. Sure, you might me saying, “But Tommy, you only just turned twenty-one a week before writing this. Don’t you think your expectations are a bit high?” No. In fact for me, I’m moving at an irrationally slow speed that would make a snail impatient behind me in line. I’ve got too much potential for this nonsense.
Though when I think about it, that in itself may be my problem. I have too many possibilities and lack the fortitude to just run through one alone. I really have no one to blame but myself. I should have trained myself better and still should be. I just have a project problem. It’s not that I can’t do the work or even push myself to do it. The problem is that I’m accountable to no one. I’ll start a project and work through it day and night just fine. If I hit a road block I troubleshoot around it. Just when I think I’m going to finish, a brand new idea pops up in front of me. Most people would probably just set it aside for late since they still have something to finish, but I don’t have to finish it. No one looks at my stuff, I don’t get paid to do it, I’m not helping someone out with some, and I’m not creating content in a specific intent for someone or something else. I’m doing it all for me, so I really don’t have to do anything along those lines. I guess my problem is I have no one left to let down.
I need someone who can help push me and get me to business on something grand. Someone I can be accountable to, that I don’t want to let down or be disappointed. I’m trying to make some “things” currently, though I haven’t had the progress on them that I would have hoped by now, I am still working on them. My question to myself is just for how much longer. I just need to do something great I guess. What else is there?
P.S. I also need to find a day job I can do from home and actually make enough money to be self sufficient off of. I could try and find some freelance writing work or any number of things to be done over the internet. I could literally write everyday and never get tired of it. It’s really such an easy and joyous pass time. I’m trying the whole fast paced food business, but I don’t know how long I’ll last out there. The people are nice and easy to work with, but everything about the job is utterly insane and driving me into a very stressful state of being. How do normal people do it?